Dreading the Beginning

by tylernielsen

As the semester draws to a close, I have realized that graduation is quickly becoming a reality. And my heart is on the brink of having a coronary. Hands sweating, knee bouncing, mind…elsewhere.

It seems every semester in the past year has required a portfolio, resume, and cover letter. Not that this isn’t helpful…well, actually, it’s not. Beyond the fact that  I compulsively organize nearly everything in my life – my closet is color-coordinated, with labels to boot – I also fear failure more than (almost) anything. It’s a fear that permeates into even the smallest corners of my being. From failing a test (a B can qualify as “failure” in my books) to failing to find happiness (in all of its ambiguity), I can feel a stress headache at the very notion of failure.

You can imagine the prospect of failing to find the “perfect” job. Because then, you see,  I will have failed to begin the “rest of my life” properly. Yes, I’m serious. And, yes, I’m aware of the complete absurdity of that statement. But, even though I am an incredibly adept, finely-tuned thought processor, I can’t leap the expanse of the unknown.

Now, as a real-life job seeker, the prospect is all the more frightening. I’ve tossed around ideas for years. But that was all hypothetical at best. I’m truly a senior, bursting with anxiety and anticipation, fraught with wonder and dread. As a child of God, my identity is first and foremost in Christ. My future, I know, is secure – at least eternally. This gives me peace for the moment and for the long-haul. However (this is not a “but”, there can never be a “but” when referring to the power and provision of Jesus Christ), I must be willing. I do believe that is the most difficult thing. My prayer today is that God would transform my heart, that He would bear with me as He works, and that on the other side of His provision – He is never late – that I would delight in whatever it is my purpose is in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.

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